I believe it is time for me to actually now start talking about this, and what has been happening for the past couple of weeks/months even and my doings.
From what has been happening for the past year since leaving school I’ve been been in college doing a Security studies. Honestly has been one hell of experience, I mean I even got work experience out of it even with my long hair (shocked me as well). But anyhow the year ended recently well on the 4th of may which was fun, we had our last exam that day which was Security studies believe it or not. We had only one week of exams which is great because I got to see everyone else flail about spouting about how they are “royally fucked” for exams and panicking about them. That wasn’t a case for me, well maybe it should’ve been.. Though I’ve had way too much on my mind to even hint of a care for my exams though alls I know is that I passed which is grand for me, I am happy about it.
So much has happened that it was just one hit after another and it continued to spire downwards as well.
First off, a couple of weeks back I had received news that my Great Aunt (Grans sister) and someone who I was quite close too had an operation to get rid of her cancer. News reached that she made it through the surgery and that everything was going to be fine that they got rid of the cancer… Sadly a day later news came flooding in to us that the cancer spread to her brain and they couldn’t operate due to the pressure on her brain, they put her in a reduced coma to see if she’ll come out of it and sadly didn’t so they let her die peacefully. It hit suddenly that she died and I wouldn’t ever get to see/hear her again.. It was strange, really, really strange but for once I did shread a tear for someone who died but I am believing that was also caused by more events happening.
I will surely Miss you Aunty Noel, you’ve done so much for me, and you’ve always had a smile on your face. I love you and Rest easy <3.
This next topic I am going to talk about will be painful to talk about, but necessary and this’ll be the first time I’ve publicly written something on this topic because I am still dealing with the hurt that follows with this. Lyrics to a song fit it perfectly
“I’m growing so distant
Nothing makes sense to me anymore
I’m learning to resist”
Last month, around 19th of April Sam and I departed ways from each other (And yes, this is even difficult saying that) we called it a day, after so much fighting, endless fighting… we agreed that it was our end to our story. I have never felt so lost in my life, everything we planned, everything we done, everywhere we went felt gone… alienated to me.. I’m still getting over it. It hits sometimes, knowing that she isn’t there anymore, that there is no more “us” It is painful to think about it sometimes though now I need to work on the healing part.
After Easter hit and when this happened I took a week off school and when I went to my lecture and told him about everything that was happening he was quite supportive and so was a friend of mine who I went to college with… Actually all of my classmates where, so I do give my hat off to them. But after the class, I spoke with him about how to get in contact with the School guidance councillor. He gave me the details and I got to go see him that day which was great, It helped me a bit that I was able to speak with him and unleash what was happening, though he did ask me if I was on drugs or drinking. Which I had to chuckle a bit about. Though, my smoking has picked up a lot recently. He got me a few days later and asked if I could speak with him again, so we went back into his office and said that my Lecturer was in contact with him and brought up something that I didn’t really know that was said, but I was happy enough to hear it, well I wasn’t to say “Pissed off that someone brought it up” but apparently there was a scare of Suicide on my part and that my lecturer was quite worried about me.
I assured him that wouldn’t be the case… But I’m not going to lie to myself nor them.. Honestly and truthfully, the thoughts of Suicide was there and they were strong thoughts, really strong thoughts about it.. And of course so was self-harming, there were nights that I was sitting in my room on my laptop, wanting to just, slice and cut to get rid of this hurt, but I knew it wouldn’t do anything good, seeing as it never really does and I don’t believe covering up one pain with another is good, because in result you both end up with two pains but I digress. I was tempted to cut my wrists, I won’t deny it but I never subcome to the pressure of it. So many things were.. Are running through my head… We had plans, a lot of plans, major plans for us to do, to be with. That are well now.. gone. I love her with all of my heart and I will never stop loving her, she was a major part of my life for the last two years, a major part. And for that, I am thankful for that, that we did the things we did, that we actually met in person… That I was able to hold her close and kiss her and say to her “I love you” I am really thankful for it… As yes, Anger does come up.. Anger and hatred, and I said it to her that “It’d be easier to hate you then to love you” But that would never be the case, I could never.. ever hate her, ever.
There are things I need to accept, and working on accepting them, Accepting that we are over, accepting that she is now with someone else. No, I don’t hate that person, he is a good person. And you know? My love for her, my sense I’m not going to say I am happy for her, because it is too soon.. but.. good enough to know, she is with someone who is actually there with her then the long distant. I love her enough to accept that… If she isn’t feeling the hurt that I feel.. well that is just the way things are… I still get… Scared/hurt when I see her name pop up on someone’s facebook or anywhere.. but I just need to learn how to handle that. I just hope, the clothes she has of mine, keep her safe that she would cherish them.. but in case, if she doesn’t want them.. She knows where to send them, as I was thinking earlier on that maybe I could be all right with getting them back from her and not feel shit for it. Needless to say, I can’t really wear my collars.. not for a long while but in motion I just hope they keep her safe because honestly, that is all I ever want.. to know she is happy.
Sam, you were a major part of my life and I thank you for that… and.. If apologies mean anything, I am sorry for the way I acted and for how everything happened. I love you and I always will love you. Thank you… I’m not going to expect a reply for this. It is time for me to put everything out there and be at peace of it. I want to move on, I am going to plan on moving on from you. As hard as it is, and how hard it has been with these last couple of weeks, knowing you’re not here anymore. I can do it, I believe I can. I wish you and Mike the happiness we once shared.
Speaking of moving on… I know how I was when I was moving on with Izzy (My first teen love) In school, how hard it was moving on from her. It did take its time with her, being in school with her was hard enough. Though I now realise what I was doing back with previous girlfriends/boyfriend… I never really had any true feelings with them and broke them off because I didn’t want to 1) Lie to myself 2) Lie to them… I don’t like it… There were two people before Sam and after Izzy who was Michaela and Izzy (Dark-Dragoncat).. Those who I had feelings with and sadly both of them ended with sadness.
I suppressed my feelings with Izzy in hoping they’d passed so I could move on… Though I never let her/them know that I was still in love with her… I pathetically thought that if I didn’t show them that I was moving on or show them I was semi at least happy that for some stupid reason they would come back to me and I’m not going to do with Sam as silly as this sounds even in my own head I know it would never work and quite simply pathetic in that sense.
I now look forward to the future and what it holds, even if some days it hits me and everything floods back in… Such as the dreams that are keeping me awake at night or putting me in a bad mood when I wake up which has becoming regularly lately.. but I digress! I am in hope with the future seeing as so many options have now opened up for me to do… Though I was sitting in the hair dressers yesterday with Stuart as he was getting his hair cut and I’ve always been into hair dressing even though my hair is now down to my arse. So, I am going to get some CVs go around the places and see who’ll hire me and train me up… If not, I could always go to my fathers and get him to train me… but that involves moving to England and I don’t really fancy moving there. I’ll be away from everyone I know and okay yes, I’ll have the internet and I’ll be with my father/brothers/cousins… though I just don’t fancy living in England for a wee while I’d go mad.
In other news, myself and Michael got back talking again which is great because it is what I really need right now, to be able to speak about everything and to get the answers I need for me to move on and to move up and be more open about my emotions and not hide when ever something hits deep.
I will say, friends and family have been a major help with this break up, major help they have picked me back up and I am now feeling a tad bit more normal which is good on the road to recovery.
With that what myself and Michael has been talking about is my emotions, my mental state, my sexuality, my understandings. How I work how I process things and how much I hide and suppress things when they are issued to me and really I’ve realised I do do that and I don’t want to do it. To release all this bad feelings that it would be good for me to do this you know? I am now getting to understand the dynamics of people, their love the different kinds of love. I want to be more open about my life instead of living in a shell… Hell speaking of that, what we’ve been talking about and even spoke about this to Will, of my sexuality and what I am… And from what we’ve all been discussing that I am Bisexual or even (Pansexual) But we dare not use that word. My attractions to men and women are one thing… for men I am not really physically attracted to them, well okay maybe what is in their trousers sometimes but morally… It is their personality I can be highly attracted too seeing what they are into, what they form and what their morals/ideals are.
So now I am coming to accept I am what I am and that is a Bisexual/Cross-dresser.
I may have trouble saying “I love you” to people because I believe it is still too soon to even hinder it to anyone else because my heart is still repairing itself after the breakup to give it more time though, I will get there…
I will do one thing you have asked me to do.. To continue to smile, and I ask you the same.. To smile.
I think that is all for now anyhow.. If there is anything else I can always edit it. but right now I feel like this is done.. For now.
I bid you all a farewell, thank you for reading this and good luck <3
Glenn.
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